tough

This will be a different kind of entry if you do follow miniminiminimoe because it is neither drawings, poems, or stories. This is the flow of my current thoughts, raw. Raw to the extend that I type as I think, I do not even rationalise/look at it from different angles before typing. Raw is a cute word. I find myself to be in a very childish position whereby I am reluctant to change, I do not want to move out of my comfort zone even though I know I should. Stubborn. When it comes to comedy, I am definitely blessed. In fact, I am incredibly blessed, having actively done comedy only since March 2009, now in November 2009, I have had shows in Malaysia and even given the opportunity to perform in Australia's biggest comedy club. A chance that really do not come by to 'newbies' like me. There is no doubt, no question that all of this can only be achieved with God by your side. However, there is always a balance in things. I am not 'gifted' in a lot of other things. I find myself to have many shortcomings. I find it difficult to learn to accept a lot of things, I find it hard not to excel motivated by people important to me. I find it hard to accept my worth. Nevertheless, I accept all these as me. But I also wonder if I accept them because I dont want to face them, or do I accept them because I have already faced them? I'd like to think that I put a lot of heart and sincerity into my shows. I'd like to think that I'm merely sharing with you a joke that I have just told myself earlier. I want to be real and honest. I dont want to be a stranger. I want you to know, that if I wasn't on stage but sitting next to you, I am just like you. However, I believe I am a really mellow person by nature. I'm an urban hermit, almost a social-misfit, and near social retardation...and ALL these ARE the things that allow me to do comedy as I do today. Because of all these 'assumingly negative' traits, I naturally observe different things and just by chance, things that tickles my fancy, can be translated into humour for others. Therefore, I find myself in a predicament. It feels like at this stage, it is imperative for me to upkeep a facade and 'act my job'. I realise people aren't too comfortable knowing me as a 'comedian' is silent most of the time. I'm sure people are okay and most will 'have an inclination' that 'comedians' can be quite the emo people but not many truly understands and accepts. It is difficult for me to balance the both. On one hand I want to positively share my upcoming shows and that definite should be done a 'happier tone' but once that is done, I am still myself. A lot of things go through my mind, most are not as 'happy sounding', some are rather negative, but I feel pressured into not sharing them because of the views of my profession. I find it hard to be sincere and insincere at the same time. I want people to know. Its hard to be sincere because I cannot share the negatives, yet feel insincere because I am not being honest with who I am and what makes me, me. Just also want to say, you will never find your freedom if you cannot define for yourself the things you generate and produce - thoughts, actions, and intentions. rain or shine. "There is an eternal landscape, a geography of the soul; we search for its outlines all our lives" - Josephine Hart